Monday, July 11, 2016

"That's what SHE said." (Or did she?)

Does this sound vaguely familiar?

Her: *sigh* "I'm fine."
Him: "Cool! We're good then?"

Her: "What do you think of this shirt? Is it too baggy/tight/low-cut/dressy/casual?"
Him: "Nope. Looks okay. Let's go--we're late!"

Her: "Work was awful today! I just want to quit!"
Him: "Ugh. You know you can't quit. We need the money! Do we have to talk about this again?"

Are you sure you're hearing her right?

As men, we hear the words that are spoken, but we don't always hear the subtext.  We focus on the literal words she is saying--one basic conversation. But there may be other unspoken conversations taking place beneath the surface. Ohhh boy.  We need to train our ears to listen for cues and watch out for environmental cues, as well. It may surprise you that it means something completely different than what you'd assumed. And to add to the confusion, it may have a different meaning in a different situation, depending on the emotions involved. Yikes. Guys--we need to pay attention.  

A perfect example: Whenever my wife, Pam, and I go on vacation or participate in anything fun or different (i.e. a Renaissance festival with our kids, piano bar karaoke, a cruise, a local Comic Con event, a motivational conference, etc), she says something like, "Wow, we should quit our jobs and do THIS!" She feels inspired, and in that moment, she is convinced that we should do this--whatever IT is--forever.  "Let's sell everything, buy an RV, and travel the country!"

Oh crap.

Early on in our relationship, it would cause a panic in me. I took her words very seriously.  Was she so unhappy that she wanted to scrap everything we'd worked for and become penniless vagabonds?

I had a tendency in those moments to try and talk sense into her, to show her that she was clearly being illogical. We couldn't just quit our careers. Didn't she know that?

What I've learned during our years in the marital trenches was to listen for the subtext. What was she actually saying? Did she really want us to leave our jobs? The answer was: NO.

Pam has an adventurous heart. She embraces the idea of making drastic life-changes.  When it comes down to brass tacks, however, she needs and appreciates security.  When she said, "Let's quit our jobs and do this for the rest of our lives!", what she meant most of the time was, "I'm having a great time! This is so much fun! Dream with me...and don't kill my vibe." She was playing out an adventure in her mind, and she just wanted me to come along for the ride. In a nostalgic mood, she may have meant, "This reminds me of home/high school/my dad, etc...It's familiar and I love it."

I had to listen carefully to figure this out.

The same can be said for all of our conversations as married couples.  Sometimes, our significant others just need us to listen, but not fix anything. Sometimes they need us to take up for them and validate their feelings or fears. Sometimes they need praise.  Sometimes they are requesting action, sometimes not.

I Corinthians says, "Love is patient." So, what does this look like in regards to communication?  We need to take the time to figure out what she's really saying and what she really needs. It's time to stop jumping to conclusions, to stop assuming we know.

So, what about those examples at the beginning of this post? They're everyday occurrences, daily exchanges, right?

Her: *sigh* "I'm fine".  This could mean:
a. I'm fine, I'm just tired.
b. I had a bad day and I need to decompress.
c. I'm SO not fine.
d. I'm irritated with you and your face offends me.
e. I'm barely surviving here.

How do we know which choice is correct? Are you ready? Communicate.
Ask questions. Prod delicately. Let her know that you genuinely care about her well-being.

How about the girl who asks about her shirt?
"What do you think of this shirt?"...

This could literally mean that she is wondering if the shirt is okay for the occasion or it may be more personal than that. She may need a confidence boost. She needs to know that you think she's beautiful and desirable, that she still gets your heart pumping. Even after she's been up all night with a crying baby, she has dark circles under her eyes and spit-up on her shoulder. Especially then.

And finally:
"Work was awful today! I just want to quit!"

She may, in fact, want to quit. Be aware of this. But she may just need to vent. To you. She may need to know that her concerns are legit, and nothing more. Maybe she needs to be built up, reminded that she is terrific at her job.  Even if you don't care a rip about what she does for a living, it's extremely important to her. So talk to her about it.

In any case, in every case, communicate. Listen to what she's saying, then ask yourself, "Is that what SHE said? Am I hearing her right?"  And then?

Ask questions.

Communicate.

~Lucas